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My Boyfriend is Drifting Away

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Dealing with relationships is hard, and sometimes walking away is the best decision. I’m  collaborating with a good friend John Dabla, Host of ‘Keeping It Real with John’ Radio Talk Show & Entertainment Journalist. He’s going to be joining the site’s category of Sip That Tea.

He will be bringing new advice columns to the site, and I’ll be adding my 2 cents in as well. I am very excited to bring John along, and I hope you guys enjoy these posts for Sip That Tea. Let’s get into the first AC with a young man dealing with relationship problems. I hope you guys can read this and take something from it. If you’re dealing with a bad situation, get out. Don’t stay in a situation where you’re needs are not met, or you’re not happy, then leave for your own happiness.

 

Ask John:
I’m a 24-year-old man who has been in a relationship for nearly three years. I used to feel like my boyfriend was my best friend — someone that I could depend on. However, things have been changing. He doesn’t call, text, or stop by anymore. He doesn’t make any time for me and always talking about work. Although he works long hours I still need to feel like I am a priority in his life. I have tried everything. I tried reaching out to him multiple times and just don’t understand. I’m a great boyfriend and I always try to make him happy. I even workout twice a day just to clear my mind and relieve some stress but its not working. I’m always angry and upset. I’m missing out so many different fun activities. However, things are just not working. I’m a hard worker so I know what it feels like to not have time… but I always made time for him. Now I’m thinking about taking time for myself and going back to school. I’m a simple guy who loves walks in the park, the beach, movies, dinner, bar & club hopping, but most of all I like the comfort of my man. What am I doing wrong? I thought the purpose of a relationship is about building and growing. Instead, it seems like I’m the only one growing. HELP!

——————————

My Friend,

The thing about being in such a serious relationship at such a young age is that you’re at a point where you both are figuring out who you are and what you want out of life.

While it would be ideal for you to grow together, there’s a chance that while growing as individuals, you two will grow apart and that’s what I believe is happening.

The most unfortunate part about growing apart is that there’s really nothing you can do about it. If you’ve let him know how you feel and have made whatever personal adjustments you feel that you need to make and he’s still not giving you what you need, then maybe it’s best you move on. You don’t need a boyfriend to do any of the fun activities you said you’re missing out on. All you need is a good group of friends and a plan!

If you’re still considering taking time for yourself, I don’t think that’s a bad idea. A healthy relationship shouldn’t make you angry or upset. At the end of the day, if someone really wants to make time for you, they will.

Stay blessed my friend! – John (Instagram & Twitter: @RealJohnDabla)

 


Relationships are based on a line of communication. Therefore, if there is no communication, there is no true foundation within the relationship. It’s just a title with no purpose or true substance. I think, once you’ve noticed the thrill was gone, it had truly faded with no direction or possible change — then it’s time to say goodbye. Walk away with your head up high, and know that somebody will appreciate you the next go round.

So many times we get involved in these relationships, and we lose sight of the true meaning of love. It’s not 50/25 — it’s 50/50 and if the other person can’t offer you the equal amount of love — let it go. You shouldn’t BEG him to see you or reach out to you. Yeah, he works, but nobody works all 24 hours around the clock. I believe he’s entertaining other guys possibly and just waiting for you to call it quits. Some guys don’t know how to break things off, so they do it with their actions. If you met him, and he was not like this before, then clearly something is off. He’s not going to tell you he wants out verbally. He’s doing it with his actions. But you have to be strong and believe in yourself. Don’t let this situation break you down. This is just another lesson in your history book, which only gets better with time.

I would say break things off now because you’re blocking your own blessings by staying with him. You could be with somebody or get to know a good man, but you’re so focused on this guy. Let this go; it doesn’t look like it’s heading anywhere from this point on and find somebody new. Now, if he wants to “change,” or show you that he has something else to offer, then hear him out. But more than likely he’s not going to change. This is not a random situation, and I feel like he planned it. He just not being man enough to break things off the proper way, so now he’s slowly backing out.

If there’s nothing left to say, then walk away as John said. It’s easy; two can play that game. Stop texting him, calling him, etc. and go your own way. If you never hear from him again then know that all of this was on purpose. If he happens to pop back up a week from now, tell him things need to go back to the way they use to be or the both of you need to end the relationship.

I hope we were able to give you the best advice possible on this situation. You guys can also leave your comment on this topic as well.

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Mind Games And Manipulation Down Low Men Play: Stay Vigilant!

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Here it goes. Last year (Aug) I met a man who was older than me he is 42 I’m 23. He asked for my number and I gave it to him… We talked over the phone frequently and he told me he wants me, I told him does he just want me for sex or more and he responded “more..” When we discussed orientation I told him I was gay and he told me he was straight — but does enjoy having sex with other men.. (He mentioned having been in a relationship with a man before). He has two kids from a previous marriage and currently has a girlfriend but no children with, and they have been together for over a year now. So during this period when we met last year, we got close but I was guarded because he never quite verbalized what his intentions were with me.

Every time I asked him to make his intentions clear he seemed to duck the question and said he just wants to “go with the flow”.

Fast forward towards the end of the last year he vaguely came clean that he wants sex but by then the way he was treating me (more like one of his options) made me realize he is just after sex. After a while, I realized that I wanted something more stable, concrete, and consistent (I.e a relationship).

Eventually, I managed before the end of last year to cut him off and block him because I knew nothing would materialize. And I wanted to avoid the pain and hurt of being used for sex and then discarded something I experienced years ago.

During the course of this weekend (since Friday) he contacted me via phone call and asked about my whereabouts and why his texts were unanswered (I lied and said I had no data) he got me data yesterday and said he wants to see me.

He took his kids to his ex-wife’s place then picked me up and we went to his house.

Long story short we didn’t have sex I didn’t want to endure that pain of being used like how I was. Even though he said he wouldn’t do to me what the previous man did. But I don’t trust him in all aspects.

Please offer some advice. The truth has I enjoyed his company, I enjoyed being in his arms — but the real truth is something tells me to let him go and move on away from him…

I’m going to give you my honest truth. I feel like once he conquers you sexually he won’t be around much. The reason why I say this is because he’s older and he already thinks your an easy target. Of course, he’s going to deny wanting to use you for sex. That’s what any man will say until they get it.

Now, I don’t care for labels but something I do care for is a man being in denial. He says he’s straight, but still claims to want more from you than sex? Now a title is nothing more than just a title. But having more than sex would open up more situations that he will be put in as a “straight man”. He has kids, ex-wife, a family, etc. Do they know he’s sexually fluid with other men? How would they react to knowing that type of information? Are you willing to only have a part of him while he still continues to play up this role and live this facade?

I’m pretty sure as an openly gay man you don’t want to deal with the whole down low secret lifestyle. He’s not going to be fully committed to you if he’s not ready to fully commit to himself as a gay man.

For me and with my own past experiences and lessons, which I had to learn has taught me to stay away from taken “straight” men. I’ve been with men who had girlfriends, but I was much younger and naive than you. But as a 23-year-old at that time I would not be able to take him seriously in any sort of offer for any relationship or situationship. Which also leads me to believe it’s just mind games to get what he wants and to be done with you. If he has a girlfriend then why would he be willing to want more from you? Listen, I’m young but I’m old school — the way you get em is also the way you lose em. If a man is in a relationship then he’s not being honest with his significant other. Which leads me to believe he’s a liar. If he’s lying to himself about his sexuality, lying to his girl about their relationship then what makes you believe he’s not lying to you as well? Everything he says is untrue or he’s not being quite honest with you about everything he’s saying.

Let me tell you about the whole go with the flow. That does not promise anything nor will it keep you secure within the relationship. His “go with the flow” will be to his advantage and for his own good. That does not protect you in any way, shape or form. That’s like me saying I want you, but let’s start off with benefits only. If I’m benefiting from the situation vs the both of us then who’s really in control of the matter? It seems like he wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants it on his call and on his watch. But he’ll throw you a few crumbs to keep you satisfied. He’s thinking you are twenty-three-years-old and his wordplay will lure you in for the trap.

When a person shows you who they believe them. He told you blatantly that yes he wants sex. First, he wanted more and then after realizing you weren’t easy and as willing, he cut his loses and kept it real about his true intentions. The only way you don’t end up used and hurt is by you not getting involved with him. He’s a manipulator and his goal was simply to conquer you and he hasn’t been successful yet. Don’t fall for his shit and let him go for good.

People like him will slowly but gradually keep pressuring you until you break and give in. He’s slowly luring you into his web but this whole time feeding you bullshit. He’s no good and wasn’t intending to be much more than a score on you. He almost had one up, but thankfully you were smart for not giving in. Please give me an update if there happens to be any.

I want to speak to you guys about this aside from the post. Never allow a man to manipulate you for their own gain. Even if you feel like you’re about to give in, be smart and wise about the decisions you make with that particular individual. It’s all a game and these men are highly trained at it.

I think black gay men find themselves in this predicament often. A man will smell the slightest flaw or desperation on you and use it to conquer you. They will see your weakness and pretend to want to save and protect you only to reveal their villain intentions later. Be vigilant and stay woke to the games. A man will only do what you allow of them. So if you fall for the lies you will fall for it all. We have so many predators out here people are preying on others. You have to be strong-minded and strong-willed and not to be easily broken down and used. Don’t be the example that’s being made — make the example.

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I’m A Bottom And Just Topped A Guy For The First Time

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First of all, I would like to say, don’t listen to what nobody tells you. If you have a dack and wish to use it then, you are free to do as you please.

So many gay men become confined to these labels, and what a label is supposed to be. In reality, being a bottom does not restrict you from experimenting with your sexuality. You can be a bottom but have some days where you just might get you some ass. It’s entirely okay to step out of your comfort zone. Try something new. Experiment with your body, sexuality, your fantasies, and ideas.

Let’s say you have tried to top, and happened to get painted on. That may have scared yo ass from ever attempting to top again. Some guys just don’t like the feel of penetrating another man. Okay, that’s fine, whatever the reason may be, you’re totally fine to have that preference of choice.

I believe that you don’t know shit about something until you have tried it once. Which is why I don’t understand, why men claim to be strict tops, and bottoms but has never touched a piece of dack or ass.

GETTING OFF TOPIC: You guys know I am good for going left during a post, but trust me it always makes a full circle. By the end you reach the end of this post, it will mesh together. You will understand at the end.

But this guy, I use to be friends with once told me that he had this fetish of turning out bottoms.

He would tell me how he liked turning out bottoms. I was confused like, wait, you a bottom as well fool! That was when I was brainwashed into the whole label thing… You couldn’t get me to do anything outside of my label and sexual role. Thankfully, I became a grown ass man, with my own mind and choices.

I watched as he turned out bottoms, he recorded shit and would even send it to me. I didn’t understand how a bottom, could allow another bottom to penetrate him. That’s for TOPS to do because only MASCULINE MEN can climb another man’s back. {sarcasm}

I seriously watched the two of them (FULL BOTTOMS) fuck like it was perfectly normal. I was at first confused, then turned on, then confused again. It was weird but at the same time sexy. So I just considered that to be his little weird ass shit and thought nothing else about it.

As a fully versatile guy, I love all sorts of men. If you’re a bottom, then cool, if you’re a top then fine. But I notice how complicated it is for me to spit game at a bottom, due to the labels. I also watch how most of them react, when another bottom approaches them.

It’s not common for a bottom to penetrate another bottom, it’s damn near frowned upon. You can look on myvidster at videos of adult entertainers and read the comments.

“This is lesbian porn…”

“Why would they have two bottoms fuck each other, that ain’t cool.”

“I don’t want to see two bottoms in a scene together.”

“He’s a bottom. He doesn’t even know how to fuck.”

The shit goes on and on in those comments. I don’t understand, doesn’t both of the participants in the video have penises? I mean, do they not get stimulated down there?

Are they supposed to ignore the fact that they are aroused by each other?

Read these profiles on these sites… The first thing they will do is say NO BOTTOMS, STRICTLY FRIENDS… But what I’m attracted to you, and could see you as my type? What if you just missed out on meeting a potential person. Meanwhile, you can’t find a man at all elsewhere.

These guys block their own chances of finding people due to these labels and how they feel as if it’s important to state the obvious. I know I’m not a top, but I found you attractive.

BUT ANYWAY…

Gay men live by these labels like they living by a code of conduct. Sexual freedom is something I personally believe in. I don’t do labels. I am not confined to anybody’s role box or description. I am simply Anthony.

DISCLAIMER: which is why my site is named JUST BEING ANTHONY.

So yesterday, I came across a direct message from a loyal reader. He’s a bottom, and he wanted to share something interesting with me since I was recently posting about this topic of labels.

He read these posts [X and X] which were mainly focused on labels within the black gay community. I was speaking about how bottoms are having issues with strict tops bottoming, etc. Those posts are pretty good, check them out.

He immediately thanked me for writing those posts and shared his own experience as a bottom topping for the first time. He said he’s never seen other openly black gay bloggers touch on this topic. But then again, who else blogs the shit that I blog about? I speak on FACTS and REAL SHIT that’s happening in the community. My blog isn’t based on eye candy, masculinity support, porn or shit else. I speak about what the people in the community wants to hear and read on. That’s how my blogs have been successful, and I touch on the real shit.

He had shared the fact that he recently topped a guy for the first time, and how before doing it his mindset was based on labels and the standards within the community. I thanked him for reaching out to me because I know, it’s not easy.

It’s never easy to speak against the norm. When you stand out from the crowd of followers, you’re automatically going to be the odd ball out. Nobody wants to associate with people who don’t follow trends, rules, examples, etc. But I’ve always been my own person, and I will never follow anybody else’s guidelines, but the ones I have set for myself.

So I’m going to just talk about some of the things he revealed in the message to summarize it into this post.

He met a guy online awhile back, and it wasn’t based on sex. The guy was a bottom as well, so of course, they immediately shut down any attraction for each other. But he said as they got to know each other as friends, he found himself more attracted to him. But going back to the label thing, he knew he couldn’t cross that line. It’s not acceptable, and it’s abnormal, it’s taboo, it’s just wrong! So he kind of kept his attraction for his friend to himself.

After a night of drinking, the two of them found themselves in a particular type of mood. He said they started off groping each other, which lead to them kissing, and so forth. It went even further to oral and then penetration. He said his friend was more intoxicated than him, but he knew exactly what he was doing…

Now from what he wrote the experience for him was nothing like he had thought it would have been. He usually didn’t stay hard during sex, but he found himself completely aroused the whole time.

The feeling of penetrating his friend was pure pleasure. He stated how his friend was tight, and some other explicit details. But overall the sex was not what he had expected from a bottom’s perspective. The two of them continued messing around from time to time, kept it strictly friends with benefits. He’s well endowed, so his friend was just as satisfied as him.

SIDE NOTE: Some of these bottoms be PACKING… I mean some of these bottoms are blessed to have the package that could birth a country. But they don’t always like their eggplants touched, or played with. That’s a turn off for me, if I’m with a bottom, I want to taste, feel, etc.

“Oh, I don’t like getting head.”

“Don’t touch my dick, that doesn’t do nothing for me.”

“I don’t get hard from oral sex.”

“I hate when guys touch my dick.”

Well DAMN… Hello, I mean shit, it’s big as fuck. I can see if your dick was small, and maybe you were insecure about the shit. But — If your dick is that big….

 

BACK TO THE MESSAGE…  

He did mention the fact that they don’t cross that friend with benefits zone. He still bottoms, but his sexual taste is now more so for other bottoms. He hasn’t tried to hook up with other bottoms, due to the topics, I’ve posted about labels. He knows how most bottoms act as well. But If the opportunity presented itself with another bottom, he will take the offer.

That was the message he sent me, and I’m sure he’ll reach out to me again. This loyal reader is in-between (as he referred to himself). If you could think of how feminine, a guy who wears makeup, eyebrows on savage, etc. But his body is muscular and he’s sexy as fuck.

Once again, he’s a BOTTOM but has crossed over to the dark side (LOL), and now he’s experimenting with his sexuality.

He sees that he was missing out on a lot of pleasure by confining himself to strictly bottoming. Just like many of these cute ass bottoms, with these big ass dacks that they avoid using. Could you imagine how many men we would have bitching less if they just focused on the DACK and not the label?

If you want sex, then go and get you some sex. DACK IS DACK, and it doesn’t come with a label it acts as it’s supposed to act. We’re the ones who get so wrapped up in these labels, that we miss out on so many good DACK because we’re judging the appearance and the person.

Then somebody always says…

“Well, I’m a bottom because it’s my preference, I don’t like using my dack. I like being penetrated…”

Yeah, and that’s totally okay, but how can you diss those who like to experiment? Like the fool who was talking shit about my first post. How can you say what a bottom, top or whoever is supposed to do in or outside of their bedroom? If you strictly like dack then okay, but that’s on you. If people like to experiment, then they have the right to step out of the box of labels. I’m not trying to change anybody’s views because nobody will LOL. But I like to look outside of the box. I like to challenge people to think sometimes… It seems like thinking or brain power, no longer matters. It’s all about ACTION and doing whatever. But people aren’t thinking, they’re not feeling, or understanding beyond just doing shit. If you were to try new things, your thought process on those things would advance you to more experiences. But since you want to be stuck in a box, you’re going to be confined to just that set of activities. That’s going to go over somebody’s head, but for those of you who understand… THANK YOU!

So with that being said, this post is about the fact that you can step out of your comfort zone, and try new things. You can’t knock it until you try it. But if you try it, yo ass may not wanna go back! LOL, I’ve heard some stories of bottoms topping, and refusing to bottom again. Let’s say they saw the light!

I don’t blame them because these tops are getting their cherry’s popped and see the light too… And now whenever they see a dick print they be like…

 

ON SIGHT! 

Thank you guys for reading this post… Leave a comment expressing how you feel on this topic. If you agreed or even were to disagree, we’re grown, I can accept others opinions on different topics on the blog. There’s never a right or wrong answer!

Share this post on social media, and let’s make this label shit disappear. We want more TOPS right? But yet, the majority of the community are in fact bottoms… So we have to find common ground right?

 

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How Can I Trust Again?

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Ask John,
About three months ago, I started to casually seeing this guy. Things quickly progressed from hanging out and getting to know each other to being physical. When we first exchanged numbers, he told me that he recently broke things off with his boyfriend because he was moving out of the country.
Things were fine and then he suddenly started avoiding me. After about two weeks of not being able to get a hold of him, he responded saying he’d been busy. He came out and said that his ex-boyfriend’s plans to move changed and he would be staying local. I cut him right there and said I had fun, I wished him well and told him I’d see him around. He wished me the same and offered to take me to lunch to “explain.” He confirmed everything I thought: he was happier with him than alone, he never meant to hurt me, I’m a good person, we should be friends. I was very upset. But what really hurt me was the fact that he told me that he used the sex we had to help him to suppress the feelings he had for him. He didn’t say any of this in a mean-spirited fashion nor did he treat me poorly during the lunch (he picked me up and he paid for everything). I liked this guy because of how he treated me and I loved being around him. It was my first ‘adult’ relationship. How do I rebuild my self-esteem and trust men? Please help me, John.

————————————————–
My Friend,

The situation at hand is an unfortunate one, and I empathize with your heartbreak.

As painful as this situation may be, it’s all a part of the ‘dating game’. From what you’ve told me, he doesn’t seem like a bad guy it just sounds like he might have tried to move on from his previous relationship a little too soon. He was also more honest than the average man who will love you and leave you—which provided the ‘answers’ about his exit that we often find ourselves racking our brains to get.

Don’t let this be a determining factor in how you view men or future potential relationships. I’m sure he could have handled whatever you two had going on a little more delicately, but he inadvertently you the ‘rebound’ guy. Looking back on it now, surely that isn’t what you wanted, right? The odds are this won’t be the first guy you develop feelings for and for whatever reason the relationship won’t work out…and that’s something you’ll understand more as time goes on and you start interacting with and dating more people.

It’s okay to be hurt, but let’s look at the silver lining: he explained the situation had nothing to do with you as a person, he’s obviously still in love with his boyfriend, you met a great guy, made some great memories, and to top it all off — you got a free lunch!

Take what you’ve learned from this experience and keep it handy for when the next guy comes along and sweeps you off your feet. He may be the one, he may not…that’s the beauty of life. You never know what could happen. Blessings, John

John’s Social Media: (Instagram & Twitter: @RealJohnDabla)


My Two Cents… CHING CHING…

Well, just know that you’re not alone in this situation. Many guys use SEX as a tactic to heal their past wounds and relationships woes. Sex is never the way to go, because feelings get involved, which he did not consider your feelings at all.

I feel like maybe he made up the whole story. It’s just strange how randomly he switched up his plans. Now, don’t get me wrong, situations happen all the time. But we’re dealing with a relationship, that you were blindsided about, meanwhile he was already aware of the situation.

The relationship was rocky, he found comfort elsewhere, thinking it would solve it and he used you as a rebound as John stated. Plain and simple, he knew he wasn’t letting that man go. Instead, he decided to reach out to you, in hopes of him forgetting about his relationship with ol boy. But somehow, he must have weighed his pros and cons and decided to stay with what felt good to him.

You can’t be mad because honestly, that’s where his heart is at. I think you’re a bigger person for actually taking him on his lunch offer. That was kind of you, you definitely a lot more forgiving than most. Let this be a lesson learned, and don’t get involved any further with him. The last thing you need is for his boyfriend to find out, and create unnecessary drama.

The big question… How do you go about trusting men again? How to do you build your self-esteem.

Simple.

Take your time, and don’t fall for the bullshit again. Meaning, you got played this time, but next time take it slow.

Get to know the guy, and pay attention to clues. The moment he got distant, should have been a big give away that ol boy was back in the picture. I would have blocked, erased, and moved on at that point. This “game of dating” can be played two ways, if you know how to play it smart. I’m not saying PLAY anybody before they PLAY YOU. But what I’m saying is you need to be 12 steps ahead. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket next time. Be on your toes, and sense out any signs of bullshit, immediately.

Guys will play you if you allow them too, but if you’re prepared for the worse, you won’t have to worry about shit. No expectation is a golden rule, don’t expect anything just go with the flow. Because with the rate of games with these men, this type of situationship(s) will continue to happen. This is already common, and we have to realize it’s not healthy.

Your self-esteem… You shouldn’t need to worry about that because it wasn’t about you. We have to realize that getting played, hurt, abused, mistreated is not about you us. It’s, in fact, about the person who’s doing it. Then the pain, self-doubt, insecurities wouldn’t affect us as much. They’re the ones who need to work on their self-esteem. I think you’re just feeling this way, but you have to realize it was never about you.

Don’t let somebody else’s insecurities to affect you. You’re good enough, you just encountered a guy, who didn’t feel like he had enough within himself. He wasn’t happy, so he tried to find happiness elsewhere, and you just happened to be the person he found. Yeah, he did what he did, but you should know that it doesn’t fall back on you.

His choices should not make you feel any less about yourself. This happens, sadly it happens to the best of us. Don’t allow it to question your worth.

When moving on from this point on, don’t give up. This was your first actual adult relationship, and you will have many more bad encounters. But just know, it’s never about you. Work on loving yourself right now, because having self-esteem comes naturally. You don’t go looking for ways to fix it. You either happy with yourself or you’re not. I would say get to know yourself more, and what you want out of a relationship. This was your first, so for your second relationship, work on knowing what you want from it.

I wish you the best, and I hope that you’ve learned something from this situation. No expectations! Don’t put all eggs in one basket, and don’t allow anybody to make you question your worth, because of their actions.

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